Trick or Treat?

To the person who decided tonight, that my 4 year old was too young for a king sized chocolate bar, and that my 16 year old is too old for candy at all, and then slammed the door in their faces, I ask you to please consider that, for just one night, these children (yes, even at 16, she is still a child) get to enjoy being children, and indulge in candy.

I don’t give my little girl very much chocolate, and I certainly would have saved a larger bar for a time that was not right before bed, but please allow parents to decide whether their kids are too young or too old. I promise you that I can control my children’s chocolate consumption, and I would much rather my teenager be out trick-or-treating with her little sister, than out doing who knows what else she could be doing.

If you are not comfortable giving larger bars to smaller children, that’s fine, grab some snack size bars for them; and what, pray tell, is wrong with a teenage girl enjoying her last few years before she becomes an adult? You better believe if adults could get away with it, a lot of us would be out grabbing free candy as well.

All I ask, is that if you are going to open your doors, you open your hearts. If you are going to judge children too young and too old, who is left to give candy to anyway?

What Do They Like About You?

When someone tells you they like you, it can be helpful to stop and think about a few things. How long have they known you? What do they know about you? Have you talked about anything you are passionate about? How well do they know you?

Answering these questions can help you figure out why someone likes you which can be super helpful in determining whether you want to pursue getting to know them.


Example #1:

Sally meets Josh in a dark bar. The music is loud, and they dance together and have a few drinks. They decide to leave together. The next day, Josh texts Sally “I really like you. I had fun last night.”

Josh really doesn’t (presumably) know anything about Sally, other than what she looks like. They were both drinking, and it is possible that his recollection of their time together is skewed. He may or may not have an accurate memory of their time dancing, or even what happened when they left the bar.

The only thing Josh really can like about Sally, is her appearance. Other than perhaps, his assumptions about her.


Example #2:

Amy meets Derek at a group activity that they both enjoy, let’s say, idk, ceramics. They talk and laugh for several months while they are together, as a group, getting to know everyone, including each other. They discover a mutual interest in comic books and grunge music. One day, Amy approaches Derek, and tells him she likes him.

Amy and Derek have had time to get to know each other. They know each other’s likes and dislikes, they have common interests. They have spoken about varying subjects, at length.

There is a good chance Amy knows quite a bit about Derek, and has a solid foundation upon which to base her liking of him.


Now, I’m not saying it is a bad thing to like someone for their appearance. Aesthetics can be an important factor. However, without anything else, the “like” is only very superficial, and (unless you find other things you like) is likely to fizzle out quickly; which, is fine, if you are not looking for a relationship. It is up to you to decide what you need, and what you expect from a partner.

If someone tells me he likes me, it is important to me to know why. I don’t want someone who likes me only for my physical appearance. I want someone who likes my heart, my mind. Someone who sees my kindness, and my weirdness. Who loves the oddities and intricacies of who I am as a person. Someone who hasn’t known me very long couldn’t possibly like those things about me, because they haven’t had time to know those things about me.

Someone else may only be interested in people who like them superficially. They might not want anyone to delve too deeply into who they are as a person for one reason or another.

It is all a matter of preference, of course, as with anything else, and, of course, you could always ask someone why they like you… their answer will give you something to think about as well.

Love the One You are Afraid to Lose.

This is something I have been thinking about for a while, now. I have had occasion to think about it watching my daughter interact with the boy she loves, and watching people within my visual sphere in my real world, as well as seeing it online in one form or another. I have known, for a while now, that I would be writing this, but I have put it off until now for one reason or another. Today, I decided that it would happen now. No better time than the present, right?


disclaimer This is primarily about long term relationships where a possible future is involved. Don’t jump on me if your relationship is different than what I am obviously talking about here, I know all relationships are different, I am talking about one particular kind.


“I love you, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

How many of you have heard those words or some like them? Have you said them? Thought them?

When I hear these words, though they have never been directed at me, it makes me think; you should be with the person you are afraid to lose. If you are with someone, and you are not afraid to lose them, why are you with them? If you are in a place where you are wanting to settle down, and build a future, you should not be in a relationship with someone that you can’t see a future with. Personally, if I am not afraid to lose you, I can’t see a future with you.

You should absolutely have a great friendship with the person you love. That is the foundation of the relationship. Trust, companionship, humor, and shared interests are important. If you already have that built before you get together, then you have already laid a lot of the groundwork. You want your lover to be your best friend. That obviously does not mean that it won’t be work to keep the relationship alive; it absolutely will, but anything worth having is worth working on.

That fear of losing the person is also important. It is even, in my opinion, a good thing. The fear of losing the one you love can drive you to make sure you are showing them how important they are to you. You can use that to show them you love them. It is when that fear is gone that we become complacent and take the ones we love for granted. That is when we stop showing them we care. When we no longer fear to lose them, we stop doing things to keep them.

On the other side of that fence, though, if you are so afraid to lose a friendship, that you will not take a chance to see what it could become, you risk losing the friendship anyway. If someone loves you, they don’t want to see you chasing after other people while you are trying to preserve your friendship. Yes, if you love someone, you want them to be happy; even if it isn’t with you. However, when you know they feel the same way, and you see them with other (sometimes different) people all the time, it hurts. It cuts deep. There is only so long that someone can deal with that before they walk away, because at that point, you are actively choosing to be with anyone but them, and they know it.

Of course, there is always the chance that you will lose the friendship if you are with them, but there is also the chance that it will grow into something far more beautiful. If you allow fear to stop you from pursuing them, you will never find out what could have been. I would much rather take the chance. Life is too short not to.

Crush

I hate that word.

More appropriately, I hate that word when applied to an adult. A crush is, in my opinion, a fleeting feeling, generally experienced by children and teenagers. You know, “flavor of the week” type stuff.

Meriam Webster defines “crush” thusly: a strong feeling of romantic love for someone that is usually not expressed and does not last a long time

I personally do not feel like this word applies to me. I’m sure there have been times I have had a crush on someone, but it has been a long time since then. If I fall for someone, it LASTS. Even when unreciprocated, and especially when I enjoy how their mind works.

So to be told that I have a “crush”… I’m sure it was nothing more than a word to the person saying it, but to me… it was like a slap in the face. I don’t have a crush. I love.

There has been one man that I have ever liked enough to put myself out there, to put my heart on the line. I pulled my big girl panties up so far, I had a wedgie all the way to my heart, and I told him how I felt. When he told me he didn’t like me, my heart just about snapped in half, but I didn’t stop feeling it. That was in March. My feelings have only grown stronger. His feelings don’t exist. That’s fine. I can’t make someone feel something they don’t feel, I can’t make him care about me. I also can’t make myself stop loving him.

So, I have pulled back. We barely talk anymore. He doesn’t seem to care, or notice… perhaps he even prefers when I don’t talk to him. When I see him, I can’t look him in the eyes, because I am afraid that I will cry. I don’t want him to see that. I wish I could just stop loving him.

Perhaps, some day, I will.

Perhaps some day, I will even find myself caring about someone new… but I don’t think I will ever be able to put my heart on the line like that again. It just hurts too much.

What’s Your Angle?

Sometimes I will get a message, whether on facebook, or someone will approach me in the real world, and I won’t be sure what exactly it is that they want from me.


Example:

Today, I drove up to the gas station, to run in and grab a few drinks for the girls and I. As I pull in, a guy I have never seen before yells something at me. When I step out of my car, he asks if I work at the local grocery store. I tell him no. He said he just started there, and he works with someone who looks just like me. I am in there a lot, and I have never seen anyone who looks remotely like me.

Dude then follows me into the store, talking about random nothing, while I grab my water. I pay, while trying to keep up polite conversation, as he is speaking so fast, it is almost as if he is repeatedly hitting me every time I try to stand up. I walk out of the store, and he tells me his name, and asks for my number.

I gave it to him without realizing what I was doing

Then, I sat in my car, and said “what just happened???”

He texts me, to ask if I am single, and tell me he has a buddy at work he thinks I would like. He said my aura is a nice orange, which is good because his friend has an orange one too. At this point, I’m laughing, but I just brush it off.

Next thing he does, is ask if I think he is attractive, and says to me that he thinks we should “chill” sometime.

What the actual fuck, dude?? Make up my damn mind!

It’s like he literally can’t figure out what he wants from me.

The only thing I want is to stay FAR away from him.


If you are going to approach someone, cool. Do you, booboo. I just ask that, when you approach me, do it honestly. I am not a fan of games. Say hi, talk to me, that’s all well and good, but remember; I need to know. What is it that you want from me? If I am approaching someone, I want something. Friendship, romance, information… whatever it is, you don’t approach someone without a reason.

So tell me.

What’s your angle?

Effort in Relationships.

I have always been one to cling to relationships; whether they are friendships or more, or even less… because I care too much, too quickly.

I have always clung to any glimmer of hope that a person still wanted me in their life, whether that person was giving me a reason to believe it or not. As a result, I have been hurt quite a bit by people who never intended to hurt me, as well as by those who did.

I have made the decision that this needs to end immediately. I will put in the same amount of effort that you put in. I will no longer be giving energy and time to people who clearly don’t want it, because frankly, I’m exhausted.

I am exhausted from being the one who always reaches out.

I am exhausted from being surprised when someone actually responds to one of my messages.

I am exhausted from wondering whether someone even values my existence, when, if I step back and examine it, I can see they don’t… because if they did, I wouldn’t be questioning it.

I’m not saying I am perfect; this line of thought is somewhat inspired by one of my favorite people on the planet who had to let me know that I was not being so responsive to her. Turns out that my life situations, and stress has had my brain kind of twisted up, and I had been neglecting people I love… it happens, but I have been making an effort to turn that around, and that is the difference. It isn’t a thing I consciously or regularly do. When I am called on it, I respond, and I do what I can to pull myself out of it because I love the people that I choose to have in my life. If you’re not going to make that effort to do better, I can’t keep doing this dance with you.

I have people who need me… I can’t waste any more energy on those who couldn’t care less.

And if you cared, you’d be making the effort.

Fear and Honesty

*Disclaimer* This is kind of all over the place. Take it as you will.

I am a very honest person.

Sometimes, vexingly honest.

If I am thinking something, and I feel like it is something you should know, and I haven’t been asked to not share it, or otherwise entrusted with it by another person, I’m going to tell you. Simply because withholding information is a form of lying, in my opinion. This is both a blessing, and a curse. I am upfront, very blunt. I don’t beat around the bush, or waste your time, but, at the same time, my honesty has a habit of making people I care about uncomfortable. That is not intentional; of course, it is just a byproduct of being called a liar so often as an adolescent, that you make it a point to be the complete opposite.

Sometimes, I will even blurt something out, not because I feel that you need to know it, but because I need to say it to someone, and I trust you enough to hear it and not judge me too harshly for it. Perhaps, I ought to do less of this.

I will not say that I don’t occasionally blur the edges to make people feel better…”yes, of course your baby is cute”… when asked… though, sometimes, I do wish it were okay to be honest about it, since, no. Not all babies are cute. As Dr. House said, quite frequently, “Everybody lies”. I do, however, try to keep it to the “necessary” minimum.


I realized last night, that there is one area of my life that I have never been able to be completely honest about. That realization tore into me like a knife on fire, and what followed was something else I rarely experience. Fear.

Now, I have always been afraid of something happening to my daughters. That fear has made me feel big, powerful… like I would do anything to keep them safe… and, of course I would.

This new fear made me feel small, fragile… like I wanted to curl into a ball and hide inside myself.

I don’t have a lot of experience with fear. I generally feel like, if it can’t kill you, there is no point in being afraid of it, and, if it can kill you, well, we are all going to die anyway, so, what’s the point? But this isn’t a thing; that is to say, it isn’t tangible.

I have never been able to be completely honest about what I need. Primarily in relationships, but not exclusively; whether it has been an emotional need, or a physical one, sexual or whatever, I have always been more concerned about what my partner needs than what I do.

Now that I have been honest with myself about this, and about what it is that I doneed… that is where the fear comes in. I find myself wanting to crawl inside myself, because I am afraid that I will someday decide to begin a relationship with someone who will then run away because I am too much… because what I need is more than he can or is willing to give. I am afraid that I will never find a man who can “handle” me. It leaves me wondering whether the reason it has been so difficult for anyone to actually care about me is because they can tell that I am a freak.