This is something I have been thinking about for a while, now. I have had occasion to think about it watching my daughter interact with the boy she loves, and watching people within my visual sphere in my real world, as well as seeing it online in one form or another. I have known, for a while now, that I would be writing this, but I have put it off until now for one reason or another. Today, I decided that it would happen now. No better time than the present, right?
disclaimer This is primarily about long term relationships where a possible future is involved. Don’t jump on me if your relationship is different than what I am obviously talking about here, I know all relationships are different, I am talking about one particular kind.
“I love you, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
How many of you have heard those words or some like them? Have you said them? Thought them?
When I hear these words, though they have never been directed at me, it makes me think; you should be with the person you are afraid to lose. If you are with someone, and you are not afraid to lose them, why are you with them? If you are in a place where you are wanting to settle down, and build a future, you should not be in a relationship with someone that you can’t see a future with. Personally, if I am not afraid to lose you, I can’t see a future with you.
You should absolutely have a great friendship with the person you love. That is the foundation of the relationship. Trust, companionship, humor, and shared interests are important. If you already have that built before you get together, then you have already laid a lot of the groundwork. You want your lover to be your best friend. That obviously does not mean that it won’t be work to keep the relationship alive; it absolutely will, but anything worth having is worth working on.
That fear of losing the person is also important. It is even, in my opinion, a good thing. The fear of losing the one you love can drive you to make sure you are showing them how important they are to you. You can use that to show them you love them. It is when that fear is gone that we become complacent and take the ones we love for granted. That is when we stop showing them we care. When we no longer fear to lose them, we stop doing things to keep them.
On the other side of that fence, though, if you are so afraid to lose a friendship, that you will not take a chance to see what it could become, you risk losing the friendship anyway. If someone loves you, they don’t want to see you chasing after other people while you are trying to preserve your friendship. Yes, if you love someone, you want them to be happy; even if it isn’t with you. However, when you know they feel the same way, and you see them with other (sometimes different) people all the time, it hurts. It cuts deep. There is only so long that someone can deal with that before they walk away, because at that point, you are actively choosing to be with anyone but them, and they know it.
Of course, there is always the chance that you will lose the friendship if you are with them, but there is also the chance that it will grow into something far more beautiful. If you allow fear to stop you from pursuing them, you will never find out what could have been. I would much rather take the chance. Life is too short not to.