Crush

I hate that word.

More appropriately, I hate that word when applied to an adult. A crush is, in my opinion, a fleeting feeling, generally experienced by children and teenagers. You know, “flavor of the week” type stuff.

Meriam Webster defines “crush” thusly: a strong feeling of romantic love for someone that is usually not expressed and does not last a long time

I personally do not feel like this word applies to me. I’m sure there have been times I have had a crush on someone, but it has been a long time since then. If I fall for someone, it LASTS. Even when unreciprocated, and especially when I enjoy how their mind works.

So to be told that I have a “crush”… I’m sure it was nothing more than a word to the person saying it, but to me… it was like a slap in the face. I don’t have a crush. I love.

There has been one man that I have ever liked enough to put myself out there, to put my heart on the line. I pulled my big girl panties up so far, I had a wedgie all the way to my heart, and I told him how I felt. When he told me he didn’t like me, my heart just about snapped in half, but I didn’t stop feeling it. That was in March. My feelings have only grown stronger. His feelings don’t exist. That’s fine. I can’t make someone feel something they don’t feel, I can’t make him care about me. I also can’t make myself stop loving him.

So, I have pulled back. We barely talk anymore. He doesn’t seem to care, or notice… perhaps he even prefers when I don’t talk to him. When I see him, I can’t look him in the eyes, because I am afraid that I will cry. I don’t want him to see that. I wish I could just stop loving him.

Perhaps, some day, I will.

Perhaps some day, I will even find myself caring about someone new… but I don’t think I will ever be able to put my heart on the line like that again. It just hurts too much.

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