Warning Stream of consciousness type rant. Just had to put this out there. Feel free to click away from this if you would rather read happy stuff.
Throughout history, people have always sought the secret to life… we have wanted to know what great secret is out there waiting for discovery. Whether it will be an elixir to grant eternal youth, or the truth to how we all came to be… perhaps it will even be the unveiling of the reason we are all here, toiling away on this rock in the middle of nowhere.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. That is one of the two things I am really good at; thinking and worrying. Oh, and procrastinating. If they held an award ceremony for procrastination, well, I probably would never even make it to pick up my award.
But, I digress.
I think I have figured it out; the secret of life, or one of them anyway…
Not everyone is meant to be happy. I have thought about this quite a bit over the years, and I just keep coming back to it. Not all of us get to be happy… there just isn’t enough of it to go around; a lot less, actually, than in the past, it seems. With all the war and famine, all the loss, disease and heartbreak… with people denouncing the simple idea that love can exist between two people of the same gender.
We have all of this hatred to throw around, and the more we do, the bigger it grows. Hatred is a poison, and it consumes everything. It feeds off love, happiness, sadness and any other feeling because it wants to be the only thing you feel.
With all the hatred, it is no wonder there is less happiness to go around.
I don’t know that I have ever felt happiness for an extended period of time. I know I have felt it, being with my daughters, seeing them, talking to them, watching them have fun; this all makes me happy, but it is so quick to dissipate as soon as the moment is gone. I don’t get angry often, and I cannot honestly say that I feel hate for anyone. I just don’t feel happy either.
This has been the case for as long as I can remember; which leads me to believe that not everyone is meant to be happy. I don’t get to be happy. And that is okay. I will live regardless.
But I am done trying. I am done trying so damn hard to find something that just isn’t there for me. I am going to concentrate on being the best damn mother I can possibly be. Because that is all I will ever be.