“You’d be cute, if you weren’t fat.”

“You’d be cute, If you weren’t fat.”
I said to myself the other day

immediately I knew I should stop myself
I should change my thought.
I picked the statement apart
word for word

but I couldn’t

I couldn’t change the words in my head
because I believe them.
I couldn’t combat them with a complementary defense
because my defense is splinters and shrapnel

I am an honest person.
I still can’t decide if it is a blessing or a curse.
I can’t lie, even to tell myself silly words
like “beautiful” or “enough”

“You’d be cute, if you weren’t fat.”
I couldn’t even give myself “pretty”
only “cute” and “if”
The “fat” always gets in the way

I don’t even know if this is what I really look like.
I see myself so differently than others do, it seems.
I wish I saw myself through their eyes
I want to know if I would see a different person entirely.

I have tried to lose weight so many times
so many ways
as if who I am hinges on my waist, and a number on a scale
I don’t feel like a fat girl.

When I look in a mirror, all I see is pimples, dark circles and a double chin
unless it is a full length mirror, then I see so much more than I want to.
So much more than anyone should see in a mirror.
Rolls, thighs the size of young trees, tear tracks down my cheeks

“You’d be cute, if you weren’t fat.”
I imagine what I would say if someone else said those words to me
I can’t find an answer.
Maybe I wouldn’t respond. Perhaps I would agree.

The worst part is, I am the only one saying these words.

gffg

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3 thoughts on ““You’d be cute, if you weren’t fat.”

  1. It shouldn’t matter if you are fat or skinny as long as you have your health be happy. There are a lot of skinny people battling diseases and are unhappy and stressed. Being slim is no guarantee that you will be happy so love the life you have. You seem very beautiful to me.

    Like

  2. Pingback: Index of Posts. | Inside the Mind of a Dramatic Mother

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