I will never be perfect.
I am a big girl. Fat. I will never be beautiful. I will never be the size I want to be, and I don’t even want to be Barbie thin. The truth is, as much as I want to lose weight, I lack the motivation. The drive. The energy.
I love food, and hate exercise too much.
Well, most exercise. I love swimming, but that’s just not enough.
I have had more than my fair share of “likes” and comments on my pictures on various platforms. I have gotten messages from several men, and a few women who evidently like what they see. I will never understand it.
I wish I could see myself through the eyes of the people who find me somehow attractive. I want to comprehend what see that they like so much. Do they like me because I am fat? Do they even give a single shit about my heart? My mind? My personality? Excuse me for being unapologetic for wanting a man who wants ALL of me. Not just my body, but my mind, heart, spirit… everything. I want to be wanted, not just sexualized.
So, I look in the mirror…
My breasts are too large. Too big for even the biggest bra I can find online. I wear an N, but I really need a bigger size. I could, very literally, smother myself in my breasts if I were to fall asleep sitting up with a bra on. I can use them as a pillow.
My stomach is too big, and I have extra skin just sitting there, mocking me… telling me I will never be able to get rid of it.
My chin is okay at the moment, but it is threatening to become two, and my face isn’t great. I breakout easily, and my sleeplessness is evident under my eyes. My eyes are my one physical feature I am happy with. My top lip is too thin, and my nose too big. My hair is alright. It has grown in well since I shaved it all off last May.
The skin on my breasts is horrible. I have an OCD issue with blemishes. If I see one, I cannot stop myself from picking at it. Just seeing the state of my flesh makes me want to cry. I wish I did not have this problem.
My legs are alright, when I am not retaining massive amounts of water, and my ankles are fairly well formed, I wish my doctor would figure out why I have the water problem so I can fix it, rather than just prescribing water pills.
My feet are big and ugly. I have dry, scratchy skin on my toes that I tend to cut off with nail clippers. I just can’t leave these things alone. My arms have flappy skin under them. Bingo wings, I think they are called.
I look at myself critically. Perhaps too critically. I see all of the things I hate, and it makes me wish I had the self control, motivation and energy required to fix myself. Fix my body. What I can’t see is why anyone would find me attractive. I guess I will never know.