I can feel it boiling inside me. Rising to the surface, begging to be given air to breathe and expand.
I am not good at feeling anger, it has never been my favorite emotion. I am far more comfortable feeling sad or hurt… I have felt those emotions far more often. I don’t GET angry anymore. At least not easily.
As a child, I had a fling with anger. My father was never around for reasons that I would understand only years later. My mother got me an inflatable punching bag to deal with this anger. It was fluorescent pink. It had Donald Duck on it. It helped to relieve the frustration. The anger I felt that he was gone and it was MY fault (even though it wasn’t). My sister popped it one day. Intentionally. She was upset that I was so angry with him. I transferred my anger to her at that point. I don’t think I meant to, I think I was just so angry, and she had deliberately taken away my outlet. She became my outlet.
I don’t think I ever really hurt her. I know I yelled a lot. I chased her with a steak knife once, though I never intended to use it, I just figured she would leave me alone if I chased her enough. I was angry at the world, and, like wildfire, it spread. I don’t know how, nor do I remember when it changed.
Anger is not something I feel very often these days. I spent a lot of years having trouble discerning my feelings. My therapist said I had a “flat affect”, that I didn’t show emotion easily. I suppose, in some areas, that is still true. Emotions like sadness and hurt were felt, and shown more readily. I have never really dealt with fear, I am only afraid of legitimate things like something happening to my kids. Happiness has always been a struggle for me, and I have never been awfully sure what happiness “feels like”. Anger, though… I know what anger feels like. I have suppressed it. Though they tell you not to. I have held it in to the point that it takes a lot for me to even acknowledge feeling it, and honestly, even today, in writing this, it has dissipated, though I have a legitimate reason for feeling it.
Anger has never been my friend. I am relieved that I do not feel it often.