You probably don’t remember the day we met
but I do
I remember everything you ever said to me
the look in your eyes when I first saw you staring
the way you rubbed your chin and smirked at me
I remember how I fell in love with you that day
I remember the next day
sitting in front of you
I hoped maybe you would talk to me
you wrote me a note
I was surprised by the words I read
so neatly written out in pencil
I was impressed with the handwriting that asked
if it would piss me off
if someone grabbed my breasts
I answered you, but internally I thought
you could never piss me off
I still believe that
I remember when you would grab my chair
and tilt me backwards in my desk
when you would poke me during study hall
or wheel me around the room
in the teacher’s chair
I remember how your eyes could see into my heart
right through me
I remember how you would walk me to Spanish class
two floors up and on the other end of the school
how we would talk
and you would tell me
about your family life
and I would tell you
how I had been hurt
how you called me “hey you” for a whole week
even after you knew my name
and how you stopped when I asked you to use my name
I remember not even trying to hide my feelings
and thinking it was impossible
for you to feel the same
I remember how sad I was
when the term changed
and we were not in study hall anymore
and I saw you less
I remember how I desperately
wanted to tell you
but held it inside
because I was afraid you would laugh
you would reject me
and my heart would freeze and splinter
shattering into a billion tiny little pieces
thinking of you every day
and crying at night
I kept your note for three years
before I burned it
I wish I had it still
I remember you telling me to come to you
and trying to pull me into your lap
I remember you sitting by me when I went back to the couch
I remember your hand on my wrist
as you pulled me up the stairs
I remember the moment I regret most
the moment I did not give myself to you
I wish I had
I remember the last time I saw you
seven years ago
and the moment that matches the regret
when I wouldn’t go with you
I had a boyfriend
you didn’t care
but I did
I remember how he left me
the next day
and I was so upset with myself
for not just saying yes
every day I tell myself
I will never see you again
I tell myself
you could never love me
never care
every night I go to bed thinking about you
your eyes
your smile
your voice that plays inside my head
my heart and my mind have been yours
for these fifteen years
more than half my life you have held them
there is only one piece of me that you don’t have
and I tell myself you never will
I tell myself I had my chance
and I blew it
oh, how I blew it
but still I wonder
what it would be like
how it would feel
to not have to wonder anymore
and I wish
for one last chance
just one chance
to tell you all of this
to tell you how I feel
because I know that nothing you could say
nothing you could do
could possibly hurt as much as it hurts
knowing I never told you
I am not naive enough to think you don’t know
everyone knew
and I am not stupid enough to believe
that if you felt the same
nobody would have told me that
I know you don’t care
I know you never did and you never will
I just wish I had the chance to say it
to tell you that I loved you the day I saw you
and that I love you still
that I would always be true
I would never tell you who you can be friends with
I would treat you with love and respect
I would do everything I could
to make you happy
I know you would laugh
I know you would walk away
you would probably have some horrible thing to say to me
but it could never hurt as much
as the daggers in my heart
that I have had since the days I could have told you
and I didn’t
I am sure you don’t remember
but I can never forget
you are burned into my heart
my mind
you have lived there for all these years
one chance is all I ask
one chance to find peace
