I Remember

You probably don’t remember the day we met

but I do

I remember everything you ever said to me

the look in your eyes when I first saw you staring

the way you rubbed your chin and smirked at me

I remember how I fell in love with you that day

I remember the next day

sitting in front of you

I hoped maybe you would talk to me

you wrote me a note

I was surprised by the words I read

so neatly written out in pencil

I was impressed with the handwriting that asked

if it would piss me off

if someone grabbed my breasts

I answered you, but internally I thought

you could never piss me off

I still believe that

I remember when you would grab my chair

and tilt me backwards in my desk

when you would poke me during study hall

or wheel me around the room

in the teacher’s chair

I remember how your eyes could see into my heart

right through me

I remember how you would walk me to Spanish class

two floors up and on the other end of the school

how we would talk

and you would tell me

about your family life

and I would tell you

how I had been hurt

how you called me “hey you” for a whole week

even after you knew my name

and how you stopped when I asked you to use my name

I remember not even trying to hide my feelings

and thinking it was impossible

for you to feel the same

I remember how sad I was

when the term changed

and we were not in study hall anymore

and I saw you less

I remember how I desperately

wanted to tell you

but held it inside

because I was afraid you would laugh

you would reject me

and my heart would freeze and splinter

shattering into a billion tiny little pieces

 thinking of you every day

and crying at night

I kept your note for three years

before I burned it

I wish I had it still

I remember you telling me to come to you

and trying to pull me into your lap

I remember you sitting by me when I went back to the couch

I remember your hand on my wrist

as you pulled me up the stairs

I remember the moment I regret most

the moment I did not give myself to you

I wish I had

I remember the last time I saw you

seven years ago

and the moment that matches the regret

when I wouldn’t go with you

I had a boyfriend

you didn’t care

but I did

I remember how he left me

the next day

and I was so upset with myself

for not just saying yes

every day I tell myself

I will never see you again

I tell myself

you could never love me

never care

every night I go to bed thinking about you

your eyes

your smile

your voice that plays inside my head

my heart and my mind have been yours

for these fifteen years

more than half my life you have held them

there is only one piece of me that you don’t have

and I tell myself you never will

I tell myself I had my chance

and I blew it

oh, how I blew it

but still I wonder

what it would be like

how it would feel

to not have to wonder anymore

and I wish

for one last chance

just one chance

to tell you all of this

to tell you how I feel

because I know that nothing you could say

nothing you could do

could possibly hurt as much as it hurts

knowing I never told you

I am not naive enough to think you don’t know

everyone knew

and I am not stupid enough to believe

that if you felt the same

nobody would have told me that

I know you don’t care

I know you never did and you never will

I just wish I had the chance to say it

to tell you that I loved you the day I saw you

and that I love you still

that I would always be true

I would never tell you who you can be friends with

I would treat you with love and respect

I would do everything I could

to make you happy

I know you would laugh

I know you would walk away

you would probably have some horrible thing to say to me

but it could never hurt as much

as the daggers in my heart

that I have had since the days I could have told you

and I didn’t

I am sure you don’t remember

but I can never forget

you are burned into my heart

my mind

you have lived there for all these years

one chance is all I ask

one chance to find peace


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